A Train of Thought
by Xeal II
Summary: Cloud brings himself to the brink of utter madness and insanity, risking a fate worse than a thousand deaths, in his search for Aerith.


A Train of Thought

_"Without change, something sleeps inside us, and seldom awakens. The sleeper must awaken."  
Frank Herbert, Dune_

I floated. I did not know who I was or where I was. I could not say what I was or how I was. I had only the faintest sense that I had lost something that was very important to me. I fell into the eternal abyss, that starry expanse that seemed to stretch off into infinity; a night that was never-ending. Darkness surrounded me, its seeping cold reaching for the core of my soul as I fell into the depths. Above me I could only see the fleeting remnants of life, a tiny window which seemed to shrink into oblivion, consumed by the nothingness which surrounded me. Somewhere in the depths I heard a sound; perhaps it was the scream of some creature torn apart by a rabid beast, or perhaps it was the cry of a newborn child... and it caught my attention, it most definitely did... for about a second. Then I drifted off again...

Voices came to me, as if in a dream, whispering about me, echoing into the darkness. The mist surrounded me, the only substance, the only form in the nothingness. Souls from another place and time gathered about me, their shifting gazes and ancient words flowing through me and around me. I felt them move within me, driving me mad as I floated in the blackness. How long I fell, forgotten and insane, into the dark depths of eternity... I cannot say. A memory returned to me, a fleeting glimpse of a face so beautiful it moved me to tears. It was the only truth in the forgotten, dreary world, and I held onto the memory with all of my soul. I could see the outline of her soft cheeks shimmering in the night, I could see the piercing the gaze of her beautiful emerald eyes staring into the depths of my tormented soul. Her hair fluttered in an imaginary breeze, flowing about her angelic form like waves crashing into the endless seas.

Darkness. The memory was stripped from me, torn from the very deepest portion of my soul, and I screamed a soundless scream. Despair came over me, tearing into my heart as insanity gripped me and I flailed about in the nothingness. Why? It was the only question that remained to me, existing on the fringes of my consciousness as I drifted aimlessly into the depths. But there was no reply, the nothingness had no answer to give me, no reason for being. It simply was. How much longer I fell, I couldn't say... time seemed to have no meaning in this lonely existence, stretching off into infinity, like a great bottomless sea. Life was only one endless train of thought, repeating itself... like a broken record.

Aerith. The word came unbidden to my mind, welling up from someplace deep inside of me, a place within my soul that even the endless darkness could not touch or harm. It was my one anchor in the abyss, my only purpose in a world of nothingness. Aerith... the name was pure beauty, it was something wondrous that warmed my heart even as I fell silently across eternity. Aerith... more than a simple designation, it brought forth feelings of love, of kindness and a strange sadness which seemed resonate in the very core of my being. Had I forgotten her? Had her memory left me forever? I struggled for more, desperate and hungry for more of that warmth and love which seemed to embrace me, touching me deep within.

"Cloud..."

Sound echoed in the nothingness, traveling across the endless stars, rousing me from my waking dream. The voice was soft and melodic, its beautiful tones playing like a grand symphony in the darkness. The familiar sound brought something back to my mind, some fleeting remnant of purpose... some reason for existence. My hands gripped a tiny sphere, a globe of shimmering light that flickered in the endless night, bringing with it the first rays of light into my dark, lonely world.

"Cloud..."

Something changed within me then, memories began to return in waves, memories of a life that seemed so ancient. My dream began to crack around me, and light returned to the darkness, lifting me from my slumber. I opened my eyes, surrounded by beautiful green strands that shimmered all about my body. And she was there... her face a beacon in the glorious energy of the lifestream.

"Aerith..."

I spoke the name, and everything came back to me in that moment, flooding my conscious awareness as if the dam had burst and inundated my mind. I remembered...

"I've come for you... Aerith..." My voice seemed muffled and weak, as if it had to cross a great distance.

An ephemeral voice echoed in my mind. Soft soothing words flowed into my awareness, filling my heart with a deep longing and endless love. "Cloud... why are you here? How?"

"I came for you. You are my light. You are my love. You are... so wondrous, so beautiful... I wish I could have told you these things long ago... before..." My heart wanted to burst. I had held emotions back, contained by some impervious barrier, for so long I had almost forgotten how to express them. My love came out in a torrent, an unstoppable tsunami of feeling that leapt beyond mere words. Here in the shimmering Lifestream all thought was form, all thought was sound, and I could hear the sound of my own love for her... and her love for me. It was like a harmonious melody played out through eternity, a song that never ended.

"I came.. to bring you back... or to stay with you. But I cannot leave you... not ever." The memory floated into my awareness... leaping into the Lifestream, risking the poisoning that had nearly destroyed me twice before. I remembered the dark place then, the endless abyss which had driven me mad, that lonely place where time was meaningless and awareness was like a dream, an endless train of thought that I could never awake from. That was a fate far worse than any thousand deaths visited upon me, and I had knowingly braved it... for her... for Aerith.

"You brought me back once.. there in the ruins of Midgar I died... and you brought me back. It can be done. Now I must do the same for you..." The last pieces clicked into place in my ravaged mind, I could feel the shimmering materia glowing within the palm of my hand, a tiny shimmering sphere that I had clutched tightly even in the dark place. I had searched the world endlessly, without thought for any purpose but this, without cause but to bring back the one person who deserved life more than any other... but who had sacrificed it for the good of an entire world. Never again to tend her lovely flowers, never again to clutch her basket filled with blossoming radiance, never again to smile over the endless fire, never again to live with the one she loved. The orb glowed as bright as a thousand suns in my hand, its wondrous, life-giving energy reaching out for Aerith's beautiful soul. The energy died down again, its tendrils fading away into nothingness, my hope dying within me as I fell, dejected, a failure once again.

"Cloud... it won't work. No one is strong enough to wield magic of that power. I brought you back because the planet wanted it, because it gave me the strength..." Aerith's form flickered in my vision as tears fell from my eyes, disappearing into the twinkling green which surrounded me. I love her so much... more than I could ever possibly explain or comprehend.

"Cloud... I love you.. nothing would bring me more happiness than to be with you... up there. I wanted so much to meet the real you, I saw something in you... I can't explain... but you must let go...of me." Despair filled her spirit, I could feel it pass over me and around me like the wind in a roiling storm. The darkness was there too, I could feel the madness threatening to take me again, to send me back to that place of lonely despair.. that endless dream of blackness. The threat of endless madness meant little to me in the face of her sadness... I wanted only to reach out to her, to hold her and comfort her.. to tell her that I could never let go of her, because she is the only part of me that ever meant anything.

Memories began to fall from me again, pieces of my awareness shifting and fading away into the dark place. I fought to stay conscious, I fought with all the strength in my being to stay here.. with her. I cried out into the Lifestream and threw all of the love that I felt into the sphere I held before me, trying one final time to bring her back to where she truly belonged. Strangely I could feel something else helping me, some other soul joining mine in the effort to project the power that I held in my hands.

"Hey Cloud..." I knew that voice, that familiar SOLDIER who had guided me through my weakness, my pathetic days as a mere Shinra grunt. Zack... the name returned to my mind as his energy joined mine, adding to me a great strength that seemed as if it could defeat any foe, no matter how fearsome and powerful it may be. "You better take care of her, okay?"

Another voice was there too, a soft, beautiful voice which sounded so hauntingly familiar to me, and yet.. different in some fundamental way.

"You make my daughter happy... here, take my energy." The voice echoed into the Lifestream as her energy joined with the sphere, reinforcing it with the incredible ability which only a true Cetra could wield.

Others began to swarm around me, the souls of all those touched by her, touched by an angel... I heard the laughter and playful camaraderie of the old AVALANCHE gang, I could hear the wise words of the old Bugenhagen; I even heard the faint voice of my mother, calling to me as if from far away. "Remember, I told you to get an older girlfriend." More souls from all across the Lifestream congregated around the sphere, adding their own strength and gratitude to the glowing materia. The last thing I saw was Aerith's spirit, smilingly brightly as she shimmered with angelic whiteness, surrounded by all of the lives she had touched...

---------------------------

"Cloud..."

The voice was familiar... it had a loving quality to it that I couldn't place, it was like trying to hold on to the memory of a dream as you woke. I opened my eyes, a sudden throbbing pain hammering at my skull, as if my head were pinned by a monstrous jackhammer. It took some time for my eyes to focus again, but shapes began to form in the world around me, memory of my journey returned to me. I could remember that dark, lonely place... I could remember seeing her... my Aerith... my love. Blurry shapes moved all around me, buzzing beside my bed like angry insects. A face leaned close to me and I closed my eyes, rubbing them slightly. I was afraid to open them again, wondering if the darkness would return, or if I would find that everything had been a vivid dream. When I opened them again, I saw her...

Aerith...

She bent low over the bed, her hand caressing mine, her smile warming my heart as she leaned forward, her lips touching mine... Everything that had been going through my mind, my entire train of thought... came to a grinding halt as I felt her near me... My hand touched her face, and as I assured myself that she was real... I smiled lovingly. Only one question remained in my mind... and I already knew her answer.


End file.
